Butter Mountain

Introduction

Its Sunday afternoon here in Paris, I’m feeling what could be described as boredom mixed with hunger, boreger no hungdom maybe. When I feel like this it is often time to cook something. As it is Sunday, the shops are mainly closed so I will have to get creative with what I have in the fridge.

I may subconsciously plan for afternoons like these as I appear to have all of the ingredients to make “Tarte aux Iain” or “Iain’s Tarte”. If you wish to make Tarte aux Iain you need the following ingredients:

Ingredients

• 2 x Oeufs De Poules (Eggs of a Chicken)
• 1 x Pate Brisee (Short Crust Pastry)
• 3 x Champignon de Paris (Button Mushrooms)
• 1 x Lait (Deme-ecreme UHT) (Semi Skimmed UHT Milk)
• 1 x Emmental Rape Fromage (Emmental Ripe Cheese (grated))
• 1 x Creme Fraiche (Creme Fraiche)
• 1 x Lardons de Nature (Little bits of bacon chopped into cubes)
• 1 x Pivoron Vert (Green Pepper)
• Pepper, Herbs & Garlic

This serves roughly 2 - 4 people depending on the size and appetite of the people.

Of course, you don’t actually need all of these to make your own Tarte (Tarte Aux Vous). The base ingredients are the eggs, pastry, milk, cheese and creme fraiche. As for everything else, I recommend you include whatever you can find in your fridge.
Through mis-communication I have made tarte using Natural Yogurt instead of Creme Fraiche, it was an interesting experiment but not one that I would recommend you repeat. It should also be noted that you can use non UHT milk.

Utensils

• 1 x Frying Pan
• 1 x Baking Tray
• 1 x Tiny French Electric Oven with built in hobs.
• 1 x Mixing Bowl (not pictured)
• 1 x Whisk (not pictured)

The tiny electric oven can be replaced with a larger standard oven if a tiny French electric oven is not available. Of course this detracts from the authenticity of the Tarte. The Oven should be pre-heated to roughly 220 Degrees oC.

The Oil

In the above picture you can see my oil, its called “4 Huiles” or “4 Oils” in English, it is advertised
to have the following four properties.

Forme - Fitness and Health
Equilibre - Balance, Equilibrium
Bien-Etre - Well-Being
Plaisir - Pleasure

If only the oil in England had these properties we would all be much healthier, balanced and pleasured. From that list I think it should be obvious why I have chosen the 4 oils, you can of course use whatever type of oil is available (I’d actually recommend a nice olive oil if you have one available). The oil is to be used when frying the ingredients later on.

Vegetable / Meat Preparation

All of the vegetables and meat that you plan to put in your Tarte should be chopped in into small cubes. As my Lardons Au Nature come pre chopped I wont need to chop those. The Vegetables should look something like this when you’re finished with them.

The Tarte Mixture

This is relatively simple to create, you are aiming to create a liquid which has just moved from being thick to one which is runny. As I’ve never made this using measurements you will just have to do this by eye.

Step one, crack two eggs into the mixing bowl and add your creme fraiche. I put in roughly two and a half mounded dessert (large) spoon fulls into the mixture here.

Step two, add the milk, again how much is to be done by eye. Remember that you need to fill your baking tray with enough of this mixture that it just covers your chopped meat and vegetables. You can add some pepper and seasoning here to taste if you wish.

Step Three, Whisk it all up! There should be no lumps of creme fraiche or egg when you are finished just a white runny mixture.

Cook The Vegetables and Meat.

All of the ingredients should be pre-cooked before you put them in to your tarte, I find it easiest to fry everything (making use of my 4 oils) until they’re done. If you like you can also throw in some pepper and herbs here, I believe I also put some chopped garlic into
this tarte.

Preparing The Tray

Step One, Line your tray with something to stop it from sticking, I have used butter but you could also use grease proof paper. Now take your round short crust pastry and attempt to put it into a rectangular pan (not as easy as you might think). Finally prick the pastry all over with a fork.

Step Two, Put your vegetable and meat mixture into the tray, spread it as evenly as possible throughout the tray.

Step Three, Pour your tarte mixture that you pre paired earlier into the tray.

Step Four, Cover everything in the tray with massive amounts of grated cheese, once this is done your tarte should be ready for the tiny electric oven.

The End Product

You should put the tarte in the pre-heated oven for roughly 40 minutes, Generally you can judge when the tarte is ready by the colour of the cheese on the top. If its gone golden brown all over then the tarte should be ready.

Your end product might look something like this, although this picture does not do it justice.

The tarte can be eaten hot or cold, it works well with salad and boiled new potatoes. Enjoy!

After living in Paris for over six months there are many new things that I have had to learn. The language being only the most obvious but there are far more interesting oddities which slowly expose themselves to you over time. The author Stephen Clarke has written several fantastic books on this subject which I highly recommend. All of the points in this list are related to something I have experienced while living here, its far from a definitive guide but its at least a start. With that being said, onto the list which is in no particular order.

1. Traffic Lights are merely a suggestion
2. Pointing at drivers is an effective way to make them stop
3. Queuing is for people who have time to waste
4. An Englishman should learn French
5. Speaking bad French is worse than speaking English
6. Bribery is the most effective way to get things done
7. Shrugging is a highly effective form of communication
8. Being on time for a (work) meeting is like turning up to a party two hours early
9. Meetings are not for working, they are a chance to see your friends
10. Deadlines, schedules and time have no bearing on anything - ever
11. 9am often means 2pm or 2:45pm if it was a nice lunch
12. The first hour of the day is devoted purely to greeting everyone in the office
13. The third hour is devoted to a coffee break
14. A good lunch should last until 3:30pm
15. Public transport in Paris is outstanding if not a little crowded
16. The metro is practically free
17. Going outside Paris by public transport is an ill founded idea
18. Alcohol in supermarkets costs very little
19. You may need a small loan to buy a round of drinks in a Pub
20. Everyone must go on holiday at the same time
21. Street markets are fantastic, though a little off putting at first
22. After eating a ‘well done’ steak you should still be able to mop the blood up on your plate with some bread
23. A rare steak is cold (read: raw) on the inside with the outside lightly seared
24. Steak Tartare is available in all restaurants which serve burgers
25. If someone on the street randomly asks you if you speak English say ‘non’
26. ‘Quick’ is not a French fast food restaurant, its Belgian, the French do not have ANY fast food restaurants
27. Nearly all McDonald’s restaurants in Paris have free wifi internet access
28. The Belgians are to the French what the Welsh are to the English
29. The only good Belgian film is ‘Man Bites Dog’
30. Indian food in France is generally not spicy
31. Walk 500m in any direction and you will end up next to a metro station
32. Beware of tourists for they travel in packs
33. The Montparnasse Tower and the Effiel Tower can be used as navigation beacons when the metro has closed and you are very drunk.
34. You are unlikely to witness a single act of physical violence while in Paris
35. Most English kitchens are large, so large in fact they have an entire room devoted to them.
36. The inefficiency of business is a point of national pride
37. Legal contracts in France are incredibly complex
38. Train doors may open before the train has stopped
39. It is very easy to wonder onto a construction site in the middle of the street
40. Construction workers appear to follow no safety rules at all
41. Dogs crap everywhere
42. There is an army of men in green who wash away the dog turds
43. Most French over-the-counter drugs are double the strength of the English name brand equivalent
44. Christmas decorations often last until February
45. There is very little Christmas music in shops
46. French popular music is beyond awful (Diams must be forced never to produce any more music)
47. Real books do not feature cover illustrations
48. Not topping up your mobile phone results in you losing your number
49. Just because you have been seated in a restaurant does not mean you will get served.
50. Waiters are not referred to as ‘Garçon’

Maybe some more another time…