Butter Mountain

After living in Paris for over six months there are many new things that I have had to learn. The language being only the most obvious but there are far more interesting oddities which slowly expose themselves to you over time. The author Stephen Clarke has written several fantastic books on this subject which I highly recommend. All of the points in this list are related to something I have experienced while living here, its far from a definitive guide but its at least a start. With that being said, onto the list which is in no particular order.

1. Traffic Lights are merely a suggestion
2. Pointing at drivers is an effective way to make them stop
3. Queuing is for people who have time to waste
4. An Englishman should learn French
5. Speaking bad French is worse than speaking English
6. Bribery is the most effective way to get things done
7. Shrugging is a highly effective form of communication
8. Being on time for a (work) meeting is like turning up to a party two hours early
9. Meetings are not for working, they are a chance to see your friends
10. Deadlines, schedules and time have no bearing on anything - ever
11. 9am often means 2pm or 2:45pm if it was a nice lunch
12. The first hour of the day is devoted purely to greeting everyone in the office
13. The third hour is devoted to a coffee break
14. A good lunch should last until 3:30pm
15. Public transport in Paris is outstanding if not a little crowded
16. The metro is practically free
17. Going outside Paris by public transport is an ill founded idea
18. Alcohol in supermarkets costs very little
19. You may need a small loan to buy a round of drinks in a Pub
20. Everyone must go on holiday at the same time
21. Street markets are fantastic, though a little off putting at first
22. After eating a ‘well done’ steak you should still be able to mop the blood up on your plate with some bread
23. A rare steak is cold (read: raw) on the inside with the outside lightly seared
24. Steak Tartare is available in all restaurants which serve burgers
25. If someone on the street randomly asks you if you speak English say ‘non’
26. ‘Quick’ is not a French fast food restaurant, its Belgian, the French do not have ANY fast food restaurants
27. Nearly all McDonald’s restaurants in Paris have free wifi internet access
28. The Belgians are to the French what the Welsh are to the English
29. The only good Belgian film is ‘Man Bites Dog’
30. Indian food in France is generally not spicy
31. Walk 500m in any direction and you will end up next to a metro station
32. Beware of tourists for they travel in packs
33. The Montparnasse Tower and the Effiel Tower can be used as navigation beacons when the metro has closed and you are very drunk.
34. You are unlikely to witness a single act of physical violence while in Paris
35. Most English kitchens are large, so large in fact they have an entire room devoted to them.
36. The inefficiency of business is a point of national pride
37. Legal contracts in France are incredibly complex
38. Train doors may open before the train has stopped
39. It is very easy to wonder onto a construction site in the middle of the street
40. Construction workers appear to follow no safety rules at all
41. Dogs crap everywhere
42. There is an army of men in green who wash away the dog turds
43. Most French over-the-counter drugs are double the strength of the English name brand equivalent
44. Christmas decorations often last until February
45. There is very little Christmas music in shops
46. French popular music is beyond awful (Diams must be forced never to produce any more music)
47. Real books do not feature cover illustrations
48. Not topping up your mobile phone results in you losing your number
49. Just because you have been seated in a restaurant does not mean you will get served.
50. Waiters are not referred to as ‘Garçon’

Maybe some more another time…